Indians are the new black. Wherever we go, there WE ARE, just like that only. We are on top, doing jugaad and taking the world by storm in sports, movies, business and pretty much everything in between. But if I was made the Indian Prime Minister today, and I had unlimited power, here are FOUR things I intend to forbid. Granted that the chances of me becoming the prime minister is pretty remote, but I want to vent. So here goes:
#4: Indian men cannot wear shorts:
Let’s face it. Indians are blessed with scrawny chicken legs that do not do justice to shorts. I am tired of seeing Indian men flaunt their shapeless legs in designer shorts (on the beach, in five-star hotels and in the malls) and find it truly depressing. Am sure God designed the Indian male this way for a reason – lungis and dhotis anyone?
I will impose a lifetime ban on shorts unless an Indian male demonstrates that he can carry it off like Brad Pitt. (Email your pics to RaveAsPM@gmail.com)
#3: Indian women cannot wear short skirts:
To be fair, the Indian female anatomy is also not built for short skirts. I find it nauseating in Bollywood songs, but what really leaves me retching is when I see it on the streets – the combination of thunder thighs and varicose veins is no sight for any eye.
No exceptions to this rule unless you are Priyanka Chopra.
#2: Indians cannot take selfies in malls:
I love the Indian family as much as any other Indian, but have you ever seen a typical Indian family take a selfie? If we ever want to ward off an alien attack, have them watch an Indian family take a selfie.
Walk into Lulu mall and you will be greeted with countless families composing of parents, siblings, grannies, nannies, friends, kids, teens, babies, nieces, aunts, nephews, in-laws et al bunching together to take that perfect selfie. As they prod and poke with their selfie sticks, shout directions and push each other to get into the frame, what really emerges is one ugly scene that has “dysfunctional family” written all over it. Do you really need pictorial evidence to boot?
And the numero uno of them all?
#1: Indians cannot shake hands
Gandhiji said: You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
I say: Indians cannot shake hands with a dirty and germ-ridden and ‘been in places where the sun don’t shine’ fist.
I have seen innumerable men scratch their crotch and arm pits, pick their nose and ears, remove the debris from their teeth, cough into their hands, spit pan through their fingers, walk away after using the rest room without washing their hands (there are unisex wash rooms in this country, you people with dirty minds!) and straight out extend their hands to greet others with a good ol’ handshake. I once saw a man emerge from the bathroom with a urine sample in his hand, head to the lab and deposit it on the counter and turn around and shake an acquaintance’s hand heartily.
Yuck! I went and washed my hands after that! So, let’s stick to the Namaste, shall we?
So here is it – FOUR things I will forbid, ban and make illegal if I become the Prime Minister of India today. What say you?